Night of the Triangle

She sits crossed-legged on the grass straight across from me, smoking one long drawn out cigarette. I don't know what comes over me. Out of our silence and her puffs of smoke, I yell.
"Can you just answer one thing for me? are you passionate about anything?"
A shocked expression quickly fills her face. My companion to the left of me even questions.
"Where did that come from? What are you so angry about?"
A tight lipped frown quickly followed her immediate shock. She then follows the same pattern of questioning.
"Why are you angry?"
I mumble another lame excuse as my mind rushes to compensate what is happening.
Fix this.
The conversation moves on, and so does my conscience, easing back as it always does-- in order to forget and act like it's nothing. Again silence engulfs us. She breaks it this time.
"You never answered my question. Why are you angry?"
I start to mumble my usual response, but I stop in mid-sentence.
"I...I think I'm angry at myself. I feel like I've changed so much over the years but when I'm back with you, I can tell I haven't at all. And all I want is for you to see this difference in me and recognize it as growth. Deep down, though, I'm deathly afraid that there is no difference."
She pauses and says in a quiet voice,
"Thats all I wanted to hear."

Element

old story(1/7/09)

I stand there at the edge, holding tightly to my friend's hand.
The others stand not too far behind us.
We are a group-- a family, my dear dear friends.
All i know, next, is that I'm falling.
Somehow i managed to fall off the cliff edge into the dark abyss below.
My arms flail and i open my mouth to scream but no sound is heard.
My eyes are locked to my companion.
My friend continues to stand there-- hand still outstretched to me when I'd fallen.
I can see the pain and intense loss on his face, but he makes no move to save me.
The one I've been holding so close to my heart, the people there, just stare in sadness.
While i thought all this, I'd barely noticed that i had hit the bottom.
But it wasn't like i really hit it.
All i could sense was that I was just on the ground.
I didn't know how i really got there because i felt nothing.
And yet as i lay there, motionlessly sprawled out, I knew they were gone.
And i was just left there-- broken.

I call.
You answer.
And You came to my rescue
And I want to be where You are
I call.
You answer.
And You came to my rescue
And I want to be where You are (hillsong)

I meet Him in the middle of the white room.
His eyes shine and He greets me with this radiant smile that melts my heart.
He says my name and extends both of His arms out to me.
Shaking and heart pounding, i go to Him.
He wraps His arms around me so tight that i feel this wholeness and oneness.
I shake with sobs as He holds me.
He whispers my secret name between only the two of us, along with endearing words of love and affection.
Slowly He pulls away, to look at my face in sheer joy and pride.
Although He still clings to my hands.
And thats when i notice the people surrounding us with linked hands also.
These are the glowing faces of my dear and loved friends.
He leans in to whisper to me again.
"And this is how it should be: them supporting our love to one another."

yesterday.

i stopped and listened.

and you know what?

God spoke.

" You have made me the God of your past and your present as I can see, but will you now make me the God of you future?"

"...I Am Willing, Doubt Me No More."

The Desert

We stand, hand in hand, under the blistering sun.
The sand squishing between our toes.
I love the feel of my small delicate hand in His rough, calloused, craftman's hand as it encloses mine.
He turns to gaze at me, and I Him.
We both smile, enthralled in this remote, intimate place.
The desert.
There's an intensity in His eyes.
"I love you," He barely chokes out, with emotion."I know there will be times ahead for you-- hard times, where you will think I have left you. But remember this always: it may seem, and even feel like I've let go of you, but I will never let go of your hand."
"I want to show you something," He says as He changes directions.
He lifts up His hand to touch my temple.
Instantly my eyes focus on two small people very far below me, as I have a bird's eye view.
They stand in the sand.
I recognize it as us.
My focus shifts out even further to reveal that in reality, my "desert" is inside of a white box.
In a flash, my eyesight returns to normal.
"What was that?"
"Not only will I always be with you here, holding your hand, but we will be held in His hands also."

We walk on, just as before, almost to the point where I have forgotten...but suddenly He stops and looks down at me.
And these were His only words:
"Remember."
He turns to face straight ahead.
Out of nowhere, gusts of wind begin to blow my hair in all directions, followed by swirling sand.
It gets stronger and even my eyes begin to burn from the sand, along with my bare arms and legs.
I struggle around.
The sand is so thick around me I'm not even sure if I can see anything in front of me.
Fear grips my heart, and my breathing becomes shallow.
I suddenly try desperately to find and see the hand connected to mine, but I'm so confused.
I dont even think I can feel His hand any longer, with sand pelting me in every direction.
There's no telling how long I've been going about this.
Eventually I buckle to my knees.
I feel like crying and I might have been for all I knew.
I lay my head on the rgound in exhaustion.

I feel delirious.
I'm still in the state of mind between the dream world and reality.
But I slowly open my eyes to the calm desert dunes surrounding me.
Its so quiet.
I start to sit up and see His arm, protectively over me, fall to the ground.
I feel his other arm laying underneath me and suddenly realize who's body is next to mine, fast asleep as I was.
He wakes quickly however.
The first words out of my mouth: "Where were you?! I thought I was going to die out there alone!"
He looks at me with a puzzled expression on his face.
"But I told you this would happen. And look. Does it look like I ever left you?"
I lower my eyes and see His clothes are dirty, and face weathered from the sand storm-- the same as mine.
"But...but.."
"I told you that you may not feel like I'm there, but I am. I didn't let go."

Vulnerable

I can see the outline of his figure in the distance but I have no doubt its Him.
I journey closer and closer to where He stands around a campfire.
When I reach the edge of the campsite and fire, I see the rawness of Him sitting there on the log.
For once, He doesnt look at me, but only the fire.
I am shocked to see a side of Him I never considered: the vulnerable.
I slowly breach in to the circle of the camp and ease myself down to the ground at His feet.
I lay my hands and head in His lap.
He strokes my hair and I later feel wet droplets hit my head. I look up in shock.
Why is He crying?
His hands come to encircle and cup my face.
He smiles gently.

"I have never given up on you and will not.
I always offer my heart to you whether you will accept it or not."

His hands move to rest on my heart.

"But you see.
I made you after my own heart.
So, as you desire my acceptance, I also desperately desire yours."

inspired from the second chapter of Wild at Heart by John Eldridge.

Give Us Clean Hands

Horror flashes across my face.

My body shakes all over as I look down at my hands-- soaked in blood.

I frantically search around me. 

What have I done?

Have I committed murder against my "brother" or "sister?"

I hear a voice behind me.

"Yes, and No. You did kill them with your greed, jealousy, and anger..."

I see them now.

The pile of lifeless bodies on the floor.

"No...NO!NO!" I scream unbelieving.

What have I done?

"But. That is not their  blood on your hands-- its His."

I swivel around. 

The lifeless bodies on the floor beside HIm are nothing compared to the knife wounds and actual knife still protruding from His chest.

"You killed them first with evil in your heart. With each kill you stabbed Him also. Except, He was willing to die. He wanted to give you clean hands, and the only way to do that was to offer His blood to you-- which you took with no thought. Don't let His bloodshed be for nothing. Accept it."

With heart broken and disgust with revulsion of myself, I lowered my eyes. 

I didn't want to do it, but the words made sense.

As I thought this, my skin began to sparkle and bursts of light shot away from my arms-- from the bloody mess.

Soon I felt my whole body tear in half-- ripping to reveal myself, as a pillar of light, complete with clean hands.